Journey to Baby: Part 1

Six months after I got married, I sat in front of a doctor confused with many questions.

“Am I pregnant?”

 “Why have I gained 20 pounds when I have been eating less?”

 Why haven’t I had a period in four months?”

Flashback: Prior to getting married, Josh and I agreed that we would wait a minimum of a year before trying to have a child. We said that we wanted to enjoy it being just us before our house filled with children. Both of us love kids, so there was never any talk about if we did or did not want them. The answer was ALWAYS yes.  We mutually agreed that birth control was the best way to go. I had never been on it before, and I had heard all kinds of horror stories as to why you shouldn’t, but other close friends and family- including my doctor - told me that if it was going to only be for a year, I would be fine.

Shortly after, I started noticing that things were a little weird, but I always contributed them to all the major changes in my life. The stress of being married, being on pills for the first time, etc.

My doctor began to read me what seemed to be a very long list of things that were wrong.

“You don’t ovulate, you have cysts, and your hormones are off.” 

She then told me that she believed I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. (Read more about it here). I had no idea what it was, all I heard was her telling me that I had a ten percent chance of natural conception and that I should get off the pill immediately because if I did conceive it could take years. I remember going home and telling Josh, and without hesitation he agreed I should get off the pill and said “It will be fine babe, we’re gonna have kids.”

I wish I walked in that much faith, but for the first couple of months I immersed myself in Google. I joined Facebook groups with people who had PCOS and it became all consuming. I was trying home remedies, taking supplements etc. To be honest, I was probably making matters worse. Looking back, I should have immersed myself in the Bible, and I should have prayed more.

This blog has been on my heart for months, but I didn’t want to share for many reasons. Mainly, because my story isn’t over yet, I haven’t conceived and I am still fighting against the symptoms of this issue. I told myself, once I got pregnant I would blog about how God did it despite what the doctors said. Eventually I will write that, but for now God is teaching me that the process is as important as the destination.

I already know what God has promised me- He has shown Joshua and I children in our separate and collective prayer times. I have had my pastors and others speak into my life. I can finally say that I am not afraid of my diagnosis. I am excited for the testimony to follow. Every day is not perfect and fear and doubts do rise up. I find it difficult to hear about abortions, or people conceiving children who don’t want them, and sometimes I am sad because I want it to be easy.

I don’t want to go to the doctor every two months, be on a strict diet, take 13 natural pills a day, or deal with the side effects of PCOS. (But oh how worth it, it will be.) I am sharing because I know that I am not the only one with this struggle. Truth is, I have had these issues for a long time but I never noticed them. (1 out of 10 women have PCOS and don’t know it, until they want to conceive)  The birth control did not cause the issue; it simply highlighted what was already there.

Because of the diagnosis I am healthier, I must eat well and stay active to keep my hormone levels normal and my body ovulating. My last doctor visit I went from 10 to 30 percent in my conception rate and it’s only the beginning. We don’t go through things because we are being punished- we go through things so that others can see that even through our struggle we still have faith, serve a perfect God, and hold on to the things He has promised us.

As I said before babies are on their way, and when it does happen I will blog about that…

But until then…

This is my Journey to Baby.

Reaching Out : North Hollywood Train Station

Last night, I was apart of  an outreach with my church. We went to the North Hollywood train station and begin to sing praise and worship songs and pray for people. One thing I noticed when I first got there was how many different churches and organizations were there doing the same thing. It was very interesting to see how people had there different tactics for accomplishing the same task. We were all trying to find the best (and sometimes the most loudest way) to get the love of God out.  

I am not going to lie. I was initially a little uncomfortable. I mean, I am used to doing outreach and I love it, but this seemed different somehow. Everyone [at the station] was on the move and I was certain that the last thing they wanted was somebody being a burden and trying to stop them.

Boy was I WRONG 

I came across so many amazing people last night . People who just wanted to talk, and who wanted to encounter the love of God. Not only did they want it, but they were hungry for it.  It was jaw- dropping how many people just needed intentional, personal contact. You would think that everyone would just shun these strangers coming up to them and asking them if they needed prayer. 

Yes, we got many no's but  the few yeses we got were priceless. There were laughter, tears, and questions. It all just reminded me of one important factor: 

We are made to love people.

We are made to be in relationship. We are made to step out of our comfort zone and do the work of God. Why else would we be here? We are not just being kept around to simply fulfill our life goals and business plans. It is so much bigger than us. As I was leaving I was half humbled and half ashamed, because I realized that I needed to be doing outreach way more often. Not solely organized outreach but also the more in-arms-length reaching out to the people I see on a daily basis; making sure I stay in God's word enough so that when He tells me to go, or speak, all I hear is His voice and will do so without  hesitation.

My final point is this: People NEED you. They need your conversation, your hug, and most importantly they need you to be willing to let God use you and move through you in any and every circumstance. 

Empty Pockets: Buying Into Popularity

Everybody wants to stand behind a well known cause. 

People seem to like the action of teaming up for a greater "good".

Sometimes we have to really look at what it is we are behind. 

We must be careful not to sign our names on the dotted line before we even read the contract. 

Picket signs, T-shirts, and Rallies.

Most of the time, people do not even examine their true thoughts on the cause. They just see that a multitude of people are for it. I agree, there is power in numbers . But if a huge group of people don't fight to push through to make an actual change instead of a trend, it is pointless. What about all the silent issues that never get talked about?  Do they not deserve to have a light shined on them because they aren't a "high profile case" or our favorite celebrities are not backing it ?  

Dewey Bozella. Troy Davis. Marissa Alexander. 

The names of these people are all reasons to riot and cause a scene, yet no one ever did. So what happens next? Does the fight for justice stop when it isn't popular? Do we move on to the next thing without solving the current issues at hand? 

Let me ask you a question, when was the last time you heard someone talk about Trayvon Martin's case and trying to change the laws in Florida? It's no surprise that there are so many issues that don't change . It's not surprising that problems we had twenty years ago are still around today.

When does it end?  When do we stop letting the media open and close cases without there being any real change? When do we realize that even though a shirt may remind people of the cause it doesn't solve the problem?

                                       My prayer is that we all can find something that we are truly passionate about. Doesn't matter if it's talked about daily or if it is a silent issue that needs to be brought to light.

Sex trafficking. Juvenile Justice. Homelessness.

Pick a cause. There are millions swept under the rug daily. Find one you can stand behind and get in agreement with, understanding that no matter how popular it is, you are going to choose to fight for it. 

It is our responsibility to be the change we want to see; not just expect others to do it for us.

Started from the Bottom

Do you know how many times I have almost quit? 

How many times I have thought that this " Jesus" thing was just too hard for me.

There have been so many circumstances where I have been tempted with worldly things and gave in. 

Wrong crowd. Wrongs friends. Wrong men. 

I have thought on multiple occasions that God did not have a specific call for my life. I  found myself just living for years. I had so many people tell me that I was crazy. My standards were too high. This ideal life that I wanted was impossible and unreasonable. 

FLASH FORWARD

Have you ever taken a step back and looked at your life. ? Like really looked. ? Most of the time you will realize that you are operating in answered prayers.  That is something that I have realized I am currently living in. 

God is so faithful.

 I had many lonely days where God was literally talking to me and downloading information. All the wrong crowds that God steered me from. All the times I wanted to go out and be normal, and he would gently nudge me back outside of the "circle". Nothing he does is on accident. Nothing is pointless or without purpose. 

When you are living in the change it is hard to realize how far you have come. Sometimes, we have to take a step back and really look at where we are. 

I did that the other day. It is the most humbling experience ever.  

When you have been praying for years for your family, your life, your spouse and you see it all coming together. When you see Gods hand on every area of your life. There are no words for that. I encourage you to look at your life from the outside. Realize how blessed you are.   

You Started from the bottom and now you are here. This is more than  just a Drake song. It is your life with God.