Six
months after I got married, I sat in front of a doctor confused with many
questions.
“Am I pregnant?”
“Why have I gained 20 pounds when I have been eating
less?”
Why haven’t I had a period in four months?”
Flashback:
Prior to getting married, Josh and I agreed that we would wait a minimum of a
year before trying to have a child. We said that we wanted to enjoy it being
just us before our house filled with children. Both of us love kids, so there
was never any talk about if we did or did not want them. The answer was ALWAYS
yes. We mutually agreed that birth control was the best way to
go. I had never been on it before, and I had heard all kinds of horror stories
as to why you shouldn’t, but other close friends and family- including my
doctor - told me that if it was going to only be for a year, I would be fine.
Shortly
after, I started noticing that things were a little weird, but I always
contributed them to all the major changes in my life. The stress of being
married, being on pills for the first time, etc.
My
doctor began to read me what seemed to be a very long list of things that were
wrong.
“You don’t ovulate, you have cysts, and your hormones are off.”
She
then told me that she believed I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. (Read more about it here). I had no
idea what it was, all I heard was her telling me that I had a ten percent
chance of natural conception and that I should get off the pill immediately
because if I did conceive it could
take years. I remember going home and telling Josh, and without hesitation he
agreed I should get off the pill and said “It will be fine babe, we’re gonna
have kids.”
I wish
I walked in that much faith, but for the first couple of months I immersed
myself in Google. I joined Facebook groups with people who had PCOS and it became
all consuming. I was trying home remedies, taking supplements etc. To be
honest, I was probably making matters worse. Looking back, I should have
immersed myself in the Bible, and I should have prayed
more.
This
blog has been on my heart for months, but I didn’t want to share for many
reasons. Mainly, because my story isn’t over yet, I haven’t conceived and I am
still fighting against the symptoms of this issue. I told myself, once I got
pregnant I would blog about how God did it despite what the doctors said. Eventually
I will write that, but for now God is teaching me that the process is as
important as the destination.
I
already know what God has promised me- He has shown Joshua and I children in
our separate and collective prayer times. I have had my pastors and others
speak into my life. I can finally say that I am not afraid of my diagnosis. I
am excited for the testimony to follow. Every day is not perfect and fear and
doubts do rise up. I find it difficult to hear about abortions, or people conceiving
children who don’t want them, and sometimes I am sad because I want it to be
easy.
I don’t
want to go to the doctor every two months, be on a strict diet, take 13 natural
pills a day, or deal with the side effects of PCOS. (But oh how worth it, it
will be.) I am sharing because I know that I am not the only one with this
struggle. Truth is, I have had these issues for a long time but I never noticed
them. (1 out of 10 women have PCOS and don’t know it, until they want to
conceive) The birth control did not cause the issue; it simply
highlighted what was already there.
Because
of the diagnosis I am healthier, I must eat well and stay active to keep my
hormone levels normal and my body ovulating. My last doctor visit I went from
10 to 30 percent in my conception rate and it’s only the beginning. We don’t go
through things because we are being punished- we go through things so that
others can see that even through our struggle we still have faith, serve a
perfect God, and hold on to the things He has promised us.
As I
said before babies are on their way, and when it does happen I will blog about
that…
But
until then…
This is
my Journey to Baby.
