“God hates divorce, so you all better get it together”. That was what the voice on the other side of the phone told me. I can’t tell you how many times I said that to myself, pushing everything else aside to make sure that was the one title in my life I would ever have to wear. You see, I took marriage seriously and I was proud of it. I knew I was going to be married forever, create a beautiful family, and that this was going to be something I was successful in. That is not to say that is still not my story, because it is. But often times our stories don’t always play out the way we think they will.
Can I just keep it all the way honest, no one finds themselves going through a divorce overnight, even if the “reason” for the divorce was presented to you that way. Just like any relationship in life it takes time for things to fall apart.
It does no one, yourself included, any kind of justice to toss the blame on someone else. It takes a real adult to admit that you can’t put all the fault on other people. No healing takes places until you are grown enough to say, “where did I go wrong?.” When things don’t end up how you intended , self reflection is a must.
The season I was in prior to engagement was not a healthy one. You know how you hear people talking all the time about being complete before you find the person you are going to be with, I was not. I was nearing the age where I was trying to figure out, What am I going to do next?. I had left the Army and just completed Ministry school and I was unsure. This isn’t to say that there wasn’t real feelings involved, but the choices you make when you are complete and when you broken are different.
When you are walking down the aisle you better make sure you know who you are. How can you be given away when you don’t even know who the “You” is?
Prior to getting married I did have red flags, AND I did have people who told me I should take a step back and wait. But more importantly I also had a large group of people who told me how amazing this marriage was going to be. When I look back I wish I would have spent more time making sure that it was a God move and not a good move.
I just remember not wanting to let people down. As deposits were paid, bridesmaids dresses were bought, and out of town family showed up, I got more caught into planning the wedding then figuring out the execution of what the marriage its self was going to look like when all of the planning and excitement died down.
The red flags that were there before my marriage seemed to have a magnifying glass on them once the marriage started. Marriage doesn’t fix people, your spouse is not supposed to be your EVERYTHING, and they are not supposed to complete you, that’s Gods job. I can fully say that I didn’t depend on God in that way, and though I can only speak from my side…I can say that many actions that took place during the marriage proved that I wasn’t the only one who struggled with this.
I recently read that it takes two people to make a marriage go bad. When I first heard that I was so upset because all I was focused on was the wrong that was done to me, I just KNEW it was all his fault. I went into complete victim mode very quickly because of how hurt I was. I found myself going on a calling spree, contacting all our friends and family trying to get everyone to hear my side of the story first. This served me no purpose. It didn’t matter if the entire world knew what he did to me, that didn’t bring me any healing. I realized that true healing didn't start taking place until I didn't want to bring harm to him, I just wanted to be okay within myself.
One month after my divorce I was asked to speak to a group of women who were struggling with divorce. I was asked to encourage them and bring healing. I literally almost laughed at the thought of doing that. I had just picked myself up off the floor two weeks prior and now i'm supposed to help someone else? Let me just say, that was one of the single most important choices I could have ever made. The thing that you find yourself struggling with the most is probably what God is going to use you for to speak into someone else’s life, so don’t be shocked when it happens.
No one gets married with the intention of getting divorced. In fact it’s the farthest thing from your mind . But one thing I learned is that love alone can not carry a marriage. There has to be respect, you have to be seeking God together and Individually, and you must confront any problems head on.
I always find it interesting that the single most compliment I’ve gotten over the last few years is “ you walk in so much power.” Divorce is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and I wouldn’t wish it anyone. I don’t want anyone to get a divorce even though I know some circumstances lead you there. But I never want to be the spokesperson for it. I believe in marriage now more than ever before because I know that done correctly in the right time and with Gods hand on it, it can be the most beautiful thing.
Ultimately, I have learned how to use this part of my story, and even if you have been faced with a different thing you can too. I do not wear it like a scarlet letter on my chest, I do not hold my head down when I have to share or talk about it, and it took me a while to realize that it doesn’t make me any less “saved” “holy” or incapable of talking about God. In fact it’s the reason why I can so boldly, I am who I am today because of this and because I’ve seen God completely turn my life around. I do not recognize who I am today, the Jessica in 2019 would never have accepted the things that I dealt with in the last season, but that’s okay.
I am better for it.
