This is by no means the fault of anyone in the past that I have dated. Being in a relationship is a choice and it takes two people to make that choice. Even though I would have liked to have been treated better in some of those past relationships people can only treat us how we allow them to. I was a professional at making excuses for people. For loving past HUGE mistakes, believing for the best, and all of this because more than anything I didn't like to quit. I almost always refused to. Everyone around me would tell me I deserved better, but that's not what I believed. I took pride in the fact that I was a " ride or die" even if it was for people who would not ride...or die for me. At some point being loyal became....stupid.
So I had to make a choice for me- at least that's what I thought. I had to guard my heart by all means necessary. I had to figure out Gods plans for me and I couldn't let a "man" get in the way of that. I became that ever so horrible "I don't need a man" girl. That bitter woman who blamed all men for the hurt that one or two had previously caused.
In my season of singleness God moved in a way that I can not even begin to explain. Understand it wasn't pretty, or fairy tale like at all. There were many lonely nights. Many times I was ready to throw in the towel and date the next guy that came across my path. Every time I was about to make that choice God would remind me of the reason I was still single. I was looking for someone to complete me rather than already being completed. I remember He told me to write down everything that I wanted in a mate and don't settle for less than anything other than that. So often I believed that I had written down a person who did not exist because NO ONE could measure up to it. But really all that it was, was my lack of patience.
It can take years for God to undo the damage we do to ourselves, the walls we build in order to protect, and the grudges we hold against other people we blame for our life decisions. Even our best traits, like loyalty or faithfulness, can be used against us if we give it to the wrong people.
It was never that God was telling me to not date, or to go lock myself away. He was simply showing me the importance of his timing. He was showing me that if we don't allow him to deal with the little things in our lives it will bleed into all aspects and everything will suffer. Relationships specifically.
I am so thankful that God took the time to deal with me alone before trusting me enough to give me the person who was on that list. Yes I am far from perfect but I know that with healing and forgiveness even the most confused, hurt or angry person can find REAL love.
….I DID.
