Writing has always been therapeutic to me, but I have definitely found myself in a place of confusion these past few months trying to navigate how to share about my new life. I was wondering if I should start a new blog all together, after all this one is full of posts about marriage, and trying to grow my family. I have realized, that those things were my life and are not to be erased and deleted as if they never happened. At one point in my life they were very real and very sincere feelings.
I have contemplated on what and how to share. Maybe that is what has taken me so long to get this thing up and running again. I have found myself walking a very thin line of staying "Classy and appropriate" or putting everything out there. I do know however, that anything I share has to be done to give God and only God the glory, otherwise this turns into a rant and a gossip site.
I am not quite sure what is going to birthed through me during this divorce process. What I do know is that I have had an overwhelming amount of peace the past month or so. A kind of peace that I didn't know would even be obtainable considering the circumstances. There have been tears; more than I ever thought have been capable of crying, there has been anger,rage, and about every emotion you could image when you are dealing with someone who has been unfaithful. Through it all Gods love for me has never shifted. Every step of the way I have felt his hand guiding me into the direction I needed to go, and bringing people around me who have been holding me up.
Starting over, doesn't have to always be negative, even if the circumstances in which why you are starting over are. Daily, I am learning that. I am learning that no matter how someone decided to treat you, it does not define you, and that even though you will not get the time or the moments back, they all served a purpose.
In forgiving others, I have found strength and forgiveness in myself. I didn't realize how much of this I was carrying. Wondering why I didn't notice sooner, trying to figure out the red flags that I had missed, or evaluate the ones that I knew were there that I didn't act on. I was scared that others would have an opinion, or that I would owe an explanation. I wondered if it would may me look like I loved or honored God less. But I have been met with nothing but love. Every person I spoke to, every wise counsel I received all said the very words God had already given me "Jess you're doing the right thing."
So here I am, sitting in my own apartment, blogging about the hardest thing I have ever endured but still so excited and blessed for all that God has in store for me. Ironically enough, this experience hasn't made me terrified of love or anti- Marriage. It has only filled me with hope knowing that God will redeem all, and I can't wait.
